Anxiety

From February 13, 2010

Diapers. A diaper bag. A crib. A mattress for the crib. A car seat. Formula. Bottles.

The list seems endless, and my anxiety is growing along with it. The anticipated cost of this child has been weighing very heavily on me lately. Being the main breadwinner in our expanding family means a lot is being placed on my shoulders. Now more than ever in my life, I yearn to make more money at my job, or better yet, win the lottery. Sure those are lofty dreams that might be achievable, but entirely useless to me in the short term. I have eight months and counting to get situated.

Currently, our combined income provides us with a nice two-bedroom apartment and pays our bills. But the truth is, one missed check for any reason, or unexpected cost, spells total disaster. It’s like spinning a bunch of plates on poles, everything has to be timed and kept in perfect balance.

But the impending arrival of our child will be both a blessing and a disruption of that balance. Having only a maximum of a couple of months for mother and child to bond seems unfair. I wish she could spend more time at home. But the truth is, even those six weeks without pay is going to be a huge blow to our finances. I want my wife to rest, recover, and enjoy as much time as she can with our newborn, but I’m also worried about how much financial strain that will create.

I wish we had some comfortable childcare options available; leaving the baby with family during work hours would be the most desirable. But my mother-in-law, our first choice, lives too far away to make it feasible for us. My dad is in his seventies, recently widowed, and doing his best to plug along every day. I wouldn’t feel right about burdening him with caring for an infant. It’s not that he couldn’t handle it, but he seems to have his hands full with a rambunctious 1-year-old Jack Russell and keeping clean an all too empty house.

So that means the idea of leaving our child with strangers, which for me just gives me the willies. All the horror stories I’ve heard on the local news about day care centers comes to mind. And the thought of my son or daughter bonding with someone other than me or my wife during their impressionable infancy is also terrifying. I guess this is the beginning of being torn between parenting commitments, and the obligations of the adult world.